


Christmas Discoveries

by VelvetRose529



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Depression, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add as needed when it's not so early/late, It's 3 AM give me a break, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 13:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13124568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VelvetRose529/pseuds/VelvetRose529
Summary: Peter has been feeling depressed for reasons he isn't sure about. It's gone mostly unnoticed by the Marauders... Until now. Slash mentions and depressive themes.





	Christmas Discoveries

Peter groaned as he pulled the covers over his head. He didn’t understand why light was so painful but he couldn’t handle it. He needed darkness. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew what day it was, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. Not like he used to. He knew somewhere it should bother him, and maybe somewhere it did, but for the most part… He just didn't care.

He felt drained today, which was another thing he just didn’t understand. He’d gone to bed early the night before, hadn’t had anything to drink, didn’t do anything taxing. Yet for some reason, his whole body felt heavy. He couldn’t bring himself to even get out of bed. He supposed that would bother the guys, but maybe they wouldn’t even notice.

“Doubt they’ll even realize I’m not there…” He grumbled to himself as he rolled over in bed. The covers still pulled over his head, shrouding him in the darkness. Somehow, it felt a little better, being alone. Being in the dark.

He thought he heard something coming from the doorway, but ignored it. He figured it was just in his head, and it probably was. They wouldn’t even notice his absence, they never noticed before. He heard a voice, muffled, but distinct. He ignored it, however, and closed his eyes. Just then, his blankets were yanked away, and light hit him through his eyelids.

“Go away…” He pulled the covers back over his head. They were yanked back, and there was a bit of back and forth before he gave up. He put his pillow over his head, laying face down on the bed. “I said leave me alone.” He felt the pillow get yanked off of him, and he turned around to face the person responsible. He saw Remus, with Sirius and James behind him. Remus was holding the pillow, the look on his face displaying worry.

“Peter…” He grimaced slightly, and pulled the covers over his head once more and held on tightly. He wasn’t letting Remus pull them off of him again.

“It’s too bright.” Remus raised an eyebrow at his friend, even though Peter couldn’t see it. It wasn’t that bright, the shades were all pulled shut. He was concerned, but cast a spell to make the room darker. The curtains darkened to allow for less light to enter the room, and when he felt the room was sufficiently dark, he spoke.

“Is this better?” Peter poked his head out from under the covers. It didn’t hurt his head and he nodded. He sat up a little, still feeling exhausted. “Peter, you do realize what day it is, right?” Peter nodded.

“Christmas.”

“So why aren’t you downstairs with us?” That voice was Sirius’. He simply shrugged, having no real answer for them other than not feeling a need to. Sirius gave him a look that said ‘What the hell?’ but Peter didn’t care one way or the other. He didn’t have the energy to care. James was next to speak.

“Mate, what’s going on?” Peter wasn’t entirely sure why James had gone with that wording. Nothing was going on, they were the ones who came in and started talking to him. And he would be content to do nothing.

“Nothing.”

“You’ve been in bed for fourteen hours. You’re always the first out of bed on Christmas.” Peter just shrugged at James. He didn’t really have a decent answer for him. He just… Couldn’t bring himself to get up.

“Well things change.” James shook his head a little, it’s not like that much time had passed. Just last year he’d been the first one out of bed, he loved Christmas! This didn’t make any sense to him. Remus, however, was the one to vocalize his thoughts.

“You were first out of bed last year.”

“That was a year ago.”

“Obviously, idiot.” Remus turned to Sirius, glaring at him. This was part of the problem! They couldn’t keep treating Peter like this! Despite the joking tone in Sirius’ voice, he did not think the words were appropriate for the situation. He spoke in an annoyed whisper at Sirius, despite the fact that Peter could still hear him.

“Would you _shut up_?” Sirius put his hands up in defeat. Remus shook his head at Sirius, not wanting to think about what could be going through Peter’s head. He knew they needed to adjust their attitude about Peter, and soon. He didn’t realize it had gotten this bad. He thought he’d been keeping a close eye on Peter’s actions but apparently he was wrong about that. He’d missed something. Something big.

“Pete, what’s going on? I’ve never seen you like this before.” Peter just shrugged. Remus put the back of his hand against Peter’s forehead, checking for a temperature. He didn’t want to believe that Peter was… No. Maybe he was just sick. But… He didn’t feel like he was sick. “You don’t feel warm.” Peter swatted Remus’ hand away.

“Look, I just want to be alone, alright?” Remus frowned, this was not alright. His friend was hurting, he could sense it. He just wasn’t sure what was wrong, and that bothered him. Peter was shutting them out, and he didn’t like it. He put his hands on Peter’s shoulders, giving him a good shake. He was going to get an answer out of his friend.

“It’s not alright. Talk to us!” Peter grimaced, turning his head away from Remus. He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to stay in bed and sleep. He turned back to face him. He was angry, but he couldn’t place why.

“What do you want me to say!?” Remus looked at him like he was insane, wasn’t it obvious what he wanted?

“Whatever is bothering you!”

“I don’t know, okay!?” Remus let go of Peter in shock. “I… I don’t know…” Remus frowned, he didn’t like that answer at all. He turned to James and Sirius, whose eyes looked like saucers. He leaned forward, and whispered to James.

“James, can you get Madam Pomfrey? Tell her it’s an emergency.” James nodded, and left calmly. However, as soon as he was out of the dorm he ran as fast as he could. Using as many shortcuts as possible, he made it to the Hospital Wing in only a few minutes.

“Mister Potter, what’s the matter?” James took only a moment to catch his breath, he was an athlete but he’d pushed his limits getting here. He was too worried about Peter to care about his limits. 

“It’s Peter.” Madam Pomfrey didn’t seem too panicked, this wasn’t the first time one of those four needed medical attention.

“Is he injured? Or sick?” James shook his head but then he paused. He wasn’t actually sure what was going on. Remus seemed certain Madam Pomfrey needed to be involved, though, and he trusted Remus’ judgement.

“I… I’m not really sure… But Rem said it was an emergency. Please…” Madam Pomfrey nodded, and grabbed her bag. She was now a little concerned, usually they could give her specifics of what was wrong. She followed James, who couldn’t take the secret passages this time, and they took a little longer getting back. She followed him up to the guys dorm, where Remus was still looking at Peter with a frown on his face, and Peter still looked like a mixture of angry and depressed.

“What’s going on?” Peter looked up, saw Madam Pomfrey and looked over at Remus. He gave him a glare. He didn’t want anyone interfering with his life, or whatever was going on. He didn’t care about it enough. He just wanted to deal with it his own way. Remus, however, clearly wanted something else. And if Remus wanted something else than he knew Remus would make sure it happened.

“Why did you get her?” Remus looked at him with an almost scared expression. What Peter didn’t realize was that Remus was actually scared. More than scared, actually, he was terrified. One of his best friends just admitted that he was suffering and didn’t even know why, and that scared him. That kind of behavior led to suicide for many people and if Peter died… He didn’t know what he would do.

“I’m worried about you. Please…” Peter sighed, laying back down in bed. He crossed his arms over his chest, making it very obvious he wanted nothing to do with this. Madam Pomfrey shoo’d the boys away, wanting to speak to Peter alone. They left reluctantly, and after they left, Madam Pomfrey sat down on the bed. Judging by the scene that had been occurring she was concerned it may be a mental issue.

“What seems to be the problem, Mister Pettigrew?” Peter was silent for a minute before responding. He wasn’t quite sure he wanted to tell her what was going on. Nothing was going on. Not in his mind anyway.

“They’re worried about me.” He knew that was not what she was looking for. In most cases she would get annoyed at a student who was so obviously avoiding the question but she seemed to be patient with him. Why? Was there something she thought was wrong with him that required patience?

“Clearly. Why?”

“I don’t know.” He sat up a little bit more, getting comfortable. The headboard had been hurting his head.

“I can tell you’re lying to me.” He looked down at his lap. “Mister Pettigrew, why don’t we pretend that I came in here thinking you were sick and I asked you to tell me what your symptoms were?” Peter considered it for a moment before speaking. Well he could tell her how he’d been feeling lately. What harm could really come of it? Besides, she wouldn’t leave until he talked, and he didn’t fancy sitting here all day.

“I’m… Always tired. Some days my body feels heavy. Like I’ve had weights tied to me. Almost nothing makes me happy anymore. There are days when I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. There are other days where after I go to breakfast I can’t even bring myself to go to class.” He played with his fingers. He hadn’t planned on saying that much. He wasn’t going to be saying anything else, though.

“Is that it?” He nodded. “Have you ever considered…” Madam Pomfrey seemed like she didn’t want to ask the question. But Peter knew exactly what she was trying to say. He knew he shouldn’t say it, but Madam Pomfrey had started the question. She would want an answer or she would assume the worst. Although, at this point he supposed the worst case scenario was also the truth.

“Death?” He paused before nodding again. He looked down at his lap, he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. “Sometimes.” He heard Madam Pomfrey’s breath catch in her throat, but he heard something else too. At the door. He turned his head, as did Madam Pomfrey. “I know you’re there.” Before there was a response, however, Madam Pomfrey pointed her wand at the door, opening it. The three guys tumbled into the room, obviously having been leaning on the door.

“I need to speak with someone, I will leave you four alone.” Peter looked down at his lap, he was not looking forward to this conversation. He was expecting yelling, and anger. He was shocked when all of a sudden the guys were hopping onto his bed. He looked up, and around, at all of them.

“Pete.” He looked over at Sirius, who then slapped him across the face. Remus and James looked at him in shock. Peter was just confused. “That is for even considering killing yourself. And…” He slapped him again. “That is for not telling us you were suffering. You let us live our lives like nothing was wrong when obviously something is wrong. And if something is wrong with one of us, it affects all of us.”

“But I’m not…”

“Not what?”

“I’m not one of you. Not anymore.” Sirius wanted to slap Peter again, but he didn’t. James considered slapping him as well, but he just couldn’t. Remus couldn’t either. Remus stood up and started to pace, Sirius sat there, dumbfounded, and James grabbed Peter by the shoulders like Remus had done. He looked him in the eye.

“Look at me and say that again. Say it to my face, I dare you.” Peter was more than willing to take that dare.

“You guys don’t need me! I don’t even know why you keep me around! I’m not one of you anymore!” He turned his head away. He could feel tears behind his eyes but he was not about to cry in front of them. He closed his eyes, doing his best to fight it. But just then, James pulled Peter into a hug. The hug lasted for about twenty seconds before he pulled back and looked at him.

“It’s not about need. It’s about want. We want you around.” Peter couldn’t keep tears from falling. He balled his hands into fists. How is it that he tells them he isn’t one of them and they still act like they want him around?

“Why?”

“Why? Why what?”

“Why do you keep me around? Why do you want me around? It’s not like I’m any fun to be around.” The other three guys looked at each other, then turned to Peter. Remus had stopped pacing, not sure what to think. Sirius fought the urge to slap Peter across the face again. Instead, he spoke.

“That’s not true! Peter you’re our best friend!”

“You don’t act like it!” The three guys all looked like they had retorts waiting that were stopped by those words. As if they had been expecting him to say something else and had taken them all by surprise. Remus bit his lip, Sirius balled his hands into fists, and James leaned against Peter’s bedpost. His fist between his forehead and the post. None of them could handle the words that had just left Peter’s mouth.

Remus had been trying. Trying so hard to prove to Peter that his friends cared about him. Was he so far gone that he couldn’t see it? He resumed his pacing. His arms crossed over his chest. Peter still hadn’t realized. What else had he missed? Something told him the guys were going to find out about his and Peter’s drinking escapade from September. Although, at this point, they needed to know.

Sirius looked down at his fists. How blind had they been to not see Peter was hurting? Or, even worse, to not notice their own neglect? Sirius and been so focused on hiding his attraction to Remus from everyone that he hadn’t paid as much attention. James and him still hung out but somewhere in there… He’d forgotten about Peter, something he was regretting now. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was the reason Peter was like this. If he was the reason Peter considered… That.

James was trying to control his breathing, something he was actually having difficulty doing. He hadn’t seen this, and he knew he was practically the leader of their group, he should have noticed something was going on. It was unofficial, but it was the truth. This year their group dynamic had… changed. But he hadn’t realized what Peter was feeling. He felt like this was his fault.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” James spoke quietly. Just loud enough for the rest of them to hear. Peter paused for a moment. He knew Remus would get mad at him for this, but he had to tell the truth.

“I didn’t want to burden-”

At this, he felt himself get shoved out of the bed. He grimaced, and stood up slowly. He crawled back into bed. When he situated himself he allowed himself to look at the person responsible, and saw it was Remus. Who looked pissed off. He knew Remus would be pissed, having already tried to tell him he wasn’t a burden once. However, he hadn’t expected to be cut off like that.

“Say that shit again. I dare you. You are not a burden Peter Pettigrew and I don’t care WHY you’re prepared to go pitch yourself off the astronomy tower, if you’re prepared to do it I want to know about it! Because I guarantee you, no matter the reason, none of us will let you do it!” Peter turned to face away from Remus. He followed him, though, and was staring him in the face once more.

“I meant what I said that morning. You are not weak. You are not a burden. And NOTHING you say will change that! There is NOTHING you could say to make us not care about your problems!” He took a breath. He knew he was losing his cool, but to think that he’d come so close to losing Peter…

“Where is the guy who tried SO HARD to bring a little bit of happiness every time something went wrong!? Where is the guy who worked his arse off to become an animagus, just to spend time with his friends!? Where is the guy who came to visit me in the summer when the other two couldn’t!? _Where is my best friend, Peter!?!?_ ” He grabbed his shoulders once more. Peter didn’t even try to shove him off.

“I DON’T KNOW!” He’d gotten a handle on his emotions for a while but he felt tears falling again. He felt like he wasn’t even in control of himself, and it was causing him to panic a little. Remus, feeling a little bit better after having gotten all that off of his chest was able to lower his voice.

“We’re going to find him. He’s in there somewhere, I know it.” He loosened his grip on Peter’s shoulders, and softened his gaze. He gave Peter a smile, hoping that he could get one back. He knew it wasn’t actually an indicator but… He felt like if he could get Peter to smile then maybe there would be hope.

Peter’s mind was racing. Remus was saying that he wasn’t… Him. Not anymore. Somewhere in him… He knew he was right. He’d realized he hated the way he was behaving while he was talking to Madam Pomfrey. But… Remus was saying that the Peter in front of him was not the Peter he had befriended. And somewhere in him… He knew Remus was absolutely correct. He supposed the real question was… Did he want to get the old Peter back?

As much as he wanted to say everything was fine… He knew it wasn’t. He could see from his friends reactions that everything was not alright, and when he thought back to all the times they’d had together… He wanted that back. He wanted to enjoy life again. He managed to give Remus a smile, albeit a small one, but a smile all the same.

Remus wanted to pull Peter into a hug and jump for joy when he saw Peter give him a smile in return. However, he didn’t. Instead he gave Peter’s shoulders a squeeze. The other guys, who had mainly watched the exchange between Peter and Remus with concern, grinned broadly when they saw Remus had gotten Peter to smile. They went over and sat on the bed once more.

“Think we could go… Celebrate Christmas?” Sirius tried. He said it carefully, almost as if his words could break the boy in front of them. Peter considered it, and nodded. He got up slowly, and got his robe from his trunk. He wrapped it around himself, and allowed Sirius to drape his arm around his shoulders. James walked next to them, a goofy smile on his face.

“Just wait until you see what we got you.”

**Author's Note:**

> And on THAT note... Merry Christmas! The parentals are divorced so I start celebrating early but I wanted to give you guys SOMETHING. LOOK I'M NOT DEAD! Sure it's different from my usual stuff, like an entirely different fandom, but I just wanted to get something new up. I swear I'm working on my other stuff too, this is older. But... I hope you enjoyed. Leave your thoughts/feels down below, just try to be careful about what you say. Much of this is a mixture of depression research and my own personal experience so... Just be kind guys. It's the holiday season after all.
> 
> Much love!


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